All relationships are about you…
If we hold things inside we tend to project it onto other people. Especially those we love the most, it is very common. But, as Esther Perel says “We grow in relation to other people”, so you can work on yourself all you want truth is you need other people to truly develop yourself.
All conflicts/fights (whether romantic, business or other) are about the individual being seen, heard and validated. Imagine if we all took 100% responsibility for the conflict and listened to the other party with the guarantee that they also would take 100% responsibility and listen to us. Would there be anything left to fight about?
Dr. Pat Allen says: “The “secret” of life is really learning how to communicate effectively and with integrity.” I couldn’t agree with that more…
The truth is, none of us are easy to date, deal with or please all the time. We each have our vices, attitudes and way of doing things that make us unique. You won’t like everything about somebody, it’s impossible. This is life and it isn’t about finding the perfect person, there’s no such thing. It isn’t about living some happily ever after fairy tale. It’s about finding someone you’re willing to work for, and who is willing to work for you. It’s simple, but yet so hard to achieve.
PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT
There are a lot of great experts on relationships these days, here’s some of my favorite:
DR. PAT ALLEN – explore more.
ESTHER PEREL – explore more.
IYANLA VANZANT – explore more.
BRENE BROWN – explore more.
The work they’ve done in this roam is incredible and I never fail to learn something new and become a better person after listening to them. I strongly encourage you visit their sites to dig deeper…
My partner responds best to written questions, so I’ve learned that if I have a big question or something that’s very important to me I should email it to him, so he has time to think about it. It’s a win-win for both of us. I’m in our relationship to be happy – not to be right. If I wanted to be right I would ask him important questions verbally and he would avoid me and I would be able to say “why don’t you want to talk to me?”.
The first two years of our relationship we lived in different countries so we came up with a way to stay in touch, I would get to ask important questions and he would have time to answer them when the time was right for him, we created a google doc and took turns to answer the questions (a shared google doc was probably not something you thought of because it doesn’t fit the criteria of “sexy” but for us it was a win-win)…
This is great for date nights too, ask each other 2 questions, pick something that you’re curious about. It might lead you down a path you never thought of talking to your partner about. Even if you’ve known each other for a long time, take time to ask these questions…
Often we assume we know what the other person is thinking and feeling and most of the time we’re wrong which can lead down a path of misunderstandings and blame…
The 5 Love Languages® profile was developed by author Gary Chapman as part of his book The 5 Love Languages. Th is quiz will provide you with a snap shot of your emotional communication preference. It will single out what Chapman refers to as “your primary love language.”
Taking this quiz has helped me personally understand what my partner needs the most and why I need the most. The trick is then to find what works for us, without one person feeling neglected or set a side because now we have some facts to lean on.
WHO WILL YOU BE?
Many people focus on what they want. Tall, dark and handsome sound familiar? But they forget to look at who they are themselves. Yes, opposite attracts, but more often desperate attracts another kind of desperate disguised in a pretty face… For this exercise think about the partner you desire now ask yourself honestly what type of person do I need to become? I’m not talking about extremes like “loosing 20 pounds” to find Mr. Perfect but more along the lines of, I desire a man who I can trust – well then I have to be trustworthy myself. Or I desire a woman who I can laugh with, well then maybe I need to become someone who provides a safe space where we can laugh together. If you want a man that provides, maybe then you have to be ready to be the one that takes care of the house.
Who do you want to be in your best relationship?
WHAT WILL THE RELATIONSHIP BE LIKE?
This is the time to write down your relationship vision. What is the good, what happens with the bad? A good relationship has both, let’s not pretend here. How would you like the relationship to handle the bad parts, how do you work it out? How do you handle finances in the relationship? What about daily shores? What is the relationship full of? Travel, laughter, wine? Write down everything that comes to mind and remember a relationship is a lot of things, it’s never just one thing.